Love Advice – Love Making Advice

Building relationship is a very difficult process. It’s good, when a man and a woman understand what happens with them, and what inner processes cause it. But everyone can’t be a psychologist….

Therefore, let me give you some love making advice – let’s talk from a position which will be understood by everybody – let’s imagine, that we just want to preserve freshness and joy of our relationship, and leave all unintelligible judgments about psychological health, development of individual and meaning of life.

Many relationships are built on mutual emotional dependence and just hinder from maturing of partners. It’s more harm in such relationships, than benefits, and to fight for them – there is no sense. However, sometimes a really wonderful and valuable relationship, which could make a couple happy, collapses because of the stupider and elementary mistakes.

We all want to meet such a person, whom it won’t be a necessity to strain ourselves with, whom everything will be easy with, whom a relationship will develop as normal with, and whom it will be a mutual pleasure with. And when we meet a person whom we are alike with, we so want to relax at long last and stop controlling situation. Cause it seems that with a beloved person, at long last, we can be ourselves and not to force ourselves.

But that’s exactly what great problems begin from. Only love is not enough. When emotions rage, the lowering of intensity of feelings is not so noticeably. But later, when power of feelings almost equals zero, it becomes incomprehensible, when passion left, why former touches doesn’t warm soul, why the only person in the world becomes a usual and ordinary person.

Fire of a relationship goes out very fast if not to take care of it. And unfortunately, dying down of mutual interest is believed as normal as neurotic basics of such a relationship. Therefore, people debate how to restore former passion in relationship; however, don’t debate how to protect it from dying down. But it’s almost impossible to fan new campfire from ash.

On the other hand, if to take care of the campfire – not to allow firewood blazing as hard as it’s possible and from time to time put new firewood – it can burn and warm with its heat as long as you like.

It’s the same with relationshipы. Although, an analogy with an unstable chemical reaction is closer, in this case. If to allow chemical substances interacting too intensely, explosion happens. If to contain the interaction very much the reaction fades. And only on correctly selected temperature and concentration gold is gotten from lead.

The written later recommendations – are psychological tools for controls of chemical reaction of relationship. Gold, in the end, won’t be gotten, but I hope, they will help you to go round the crudest and most ruinous mistakes. Let’s get down.   

Keep your distance!  

It’s the main love making advice which all others follow from. When a man and a woman begin a new relationship, they are an unexplored territory for each other. They study each other and take pleasure in every step made towards. What’s more, in the end they strive to become an inseparable united whole – that’s exactly what is believed as an ideal of relationship.

But with every step, made towards to each other, lightness and novelty leave relationship. At first, they are exchanged for the opportunity to open up to each other fully, and that seems a correct exchange. In love people specially search for the opportunity to open up, in order a partner to know you and accept lock, stock and barrel. They can’t be reconciled with themselves from inside, therefore, want someone to be reconciled with them from outside.

Here, many relationships begin collapsing, as everybody wants to be loved, but a few of them can love. It’s impossible to accept another person, if you can’t accept yourself. But no one ponders about that usually, and closeness is continuing.

Because of the same reasons men and women strive to tie each other. It seems to them that locking in the same cage, they will be able to preserve a relationship. Therefore, they want to control each other. All the questions about the time spent separately, the desire to know everything about each other, the striving for being always together – behind that the desire to be on guard is…just in case.

In this way uncertainty and inner anxiety of partners, put them up towards, forcing to keep penetrating deeper and intertwining with each other. A romantic fairy tale about the better half, about the person, who’ll come and fill a gaping inner emptiness – it’s the dream about hiding from our anxieties in embraces of another person. Therefore, closeness to complete unity with each other is believed as an essence and basis of a good relationship.

I am describing that everything in order to show so much powerful force puts people up towards to each other. And it’s necessary in the first place, to learn overcoming exactly this tendency.

Fear puts people up towards. Fear of being lonely, fear of life, fear of our inner world, fear of responsibility, fear of losing love, fear of losing each other – there are utter fear and anxiety. In such a routine relationship quickly loses its pure and innocent essence and becomes a way of avoiding troubles.

But for a normal healthy relationship such a mutual penetration is not needed at all. It is not necessary to know about each other everything in order to get comprehensive pleasure from communication. If not to tie yourself by oaths in eternal love and marriage-bed, relationship doesn’t become superficial, on the contrary, it becomes more honest and sensible, and therefore, exactly -  more pleasant and lasting.

It’s not necessary to lock up someone into a cage in order to keep the person near you – it’s needed to give him or her a freedom. Exactly fear of loosing a close person causes the loosing. All those jealousy, suspicion and desire to chain – that’s the reason why a relationship becomes labored and tedious.

However, that’s not all. Absolutely unlimited closeness with each other has loads of other negative and dangerous for a relationship consequences.

As soon as the feeling arises, that exactly this person belongs to me, then the false feeling arises, that I have some rights for the person, that I can demand something from him, that he is indebted to me , and that I can blame him or her cause he or she hasn’t fulfilled some demands.

This is exactly the moment which partners begin getting impudent from – mutual manipulations, insults and caprices begin. Caution, tolerance and respect for each other gradually leave from the relationship. Now it’s allowed to shout each other from neighboring room – “Hey, you, make me coffee” and so on.

The things which wouldn’t be allowed by a man and a woman in the first days of acquaintance become pertinent and normal in a half of a year. It may seem, that it’s the freedom of self-expression, which is so valuable in close relationship, but in actual fact – it’s loss of caution and any control of yourself. It’s the moment when you should control yourself, but want so much to completely relax near by your beloved person.

The thing is not that it’s necessary to continue courting for preserving of relationship, as glossy magazines recommend. Faked courting solves nothing and it looks ugly. Loss of interest in each other is a consequence of excessive shortening of distance. You only have to increase the distance, and a woman will be glad to dress herself for her man, and he’ll be glad in response to be a gallant suitor (or an impudent robber, there is no accounting for taste)

Relationship is a game, which is of interest by its process, but not by a result. Many think that an aim of the game is achieving such a moment, when it will be possible to tell about another person – “That’s all, the person is mine”. So, it’s allowed to stamp: “The task is fulfilled, relationship is created” and to relax.

But as soon as the clear definiteness appears, then the game loses sense, relationship turns into a boring rut and then derailed at growing speed.

In order to preserve a freshness of relationship, it’s necessary to give up on a striving for victory, definiteness and stability. You should overstep your fear and allow a relationship to be poised on the verge of certainty and uncertainty. As animals play – growl, bite, chase each other, but if an enemy is beaten its hands down, it should be let go of on time, cause in another case the game will end.

It’s difficult to overstep fear and familiar ideas, but it’s the only way to build a really light, honest and vigorous relationship. The right for freedom gives rise to absolutely special and deeper attachment. In order to understand that, it should be tried.

Muster up courage and try to keep your distance. Allow each other to be separate persons. Don’t stick to each other, don’t control each other, don’t allow yourself proprietorial manners. Be yourself, but don’t forget that near by you is the person who is dear for you and who has the right to be himself or herself. Get a grip of yourself.

It seems difficult and straining, but until you feel the result – that is worth a lot. 

Take care of each other and your relationship

When you buy a new car, do you make it your own crush test? No, you dote on it, polish, and fill up the engine with the best gas. You take care of it, and don’t make strength test and so on. So, why do we behave differently with people in our relationships?

Why it is considered as normal to tease and provoke each other? Why getting on nerves arouse so much childish joy? To hurt a partner is simple, but why? Just for our own satisfaction? Why to make strength test for a relationship? In order to be convinced of it’s possible to break whatever we like?

Every joke and irony are manifestation of aggression. That’s a desire to hurt – just for fun. Therefore, next time when you’ll want to make fun of a close person, think why you need that. Do you really want to hurt him or her? So, maybe it’s better to stop relationship and not to mock the person?

When psychologists spend time among colleagues, they can banter with each other and specially point at weak spots as a training and a professional mutual assistance. But for people desiring just to preserve a valuable relationship, such games are not appropriate.

Don’t touch weak spots of each other. You both are not prefect and have weaknesses. But using them in order to hurt or to get what you want is mean. Play honestly, take care of your relationship – it is exactly what gets you joy, so why to break it with your own hand?

But it’s possible to strain ourselves of our own free will – because of caring attitude to a partner. Not in order to be liked and get gratitude or a reciprocal good turn, not in order to satisfy demands of upbringing, but just because it will be better for you in this case, if a close person will have enough energy to spend time together doing something more entertaining.

Why do we wash a car? For it? No, for ourselves! Then, try to wash a close person (in any sense of the words) –not for her or him, but for yourself. We take care of dogs, cats, even fish, but don’t want to take care of a beloved person. He is a human, he can take care of himself!

Take care of each other. Not because of guilt or being indebted, not because  that it’s written about in a “clever” article, but because it’s in your interests. Direct your egoism in a construction course. Take care of wellbeing, health and comfort of a close person, and the person will take care of you – it’s a net pragmatism. Learn to give – not only to demand and take. And stop arguing. Both! 

Stop manipulating

When a child can’t get what he wants, he begins behaving capriciously, being hurt and becomes hysterical – in this way he forces parents to obey his weak will. The little miracle, walking under the table, can force adult persons to dance to his tune. And no wonder that a technique of manipulation is easy to remember and remain in his consciousness, as the most effective way to get what he wants.

And then a child matures. Desires change, his thoughts about the world and other people change, but the technique of manipulation is perfected. Even there, where it’s possible just to ask, heavy artillery comes into use – pressing pity, conscience, pride – for no particular reason, in order to avoid refusal and long explanations.

Manipulation is a way to get desired from other people without being responsible at all. It’s more difficult to ask – cause we need to have the audacity neatly to announce about your desire, and get involved into reciprocal commitments, which we want to avoid so much. Therefore, hints, sighs, aggrieved or upset face come to use – whatever you like, but let a close person wants to do what I want him or herself.

And although it seems that manipulations are harmless, they, in reality, complicate a relationship very mush. Any manipulation is deception and self-deception. And any such dishonesty is the shortest way to ruining of relationship.

Yes, there are strings which can be pulled in any person. But why? Don’t want to get a refusal?? But in actual fact it is not very terrible – it doesn’t matter what we want and don’t get. Don’t want to tell about your desire straight out? But why not to tell, why not to take risks? It’s not so awful, as it seems to you. Don’t want to be indebted for fulfillment of your desire? But it is really not just? And it is really so big problem to fulfill a desire of a close person?

Why are those games needed if it’s possible to arrange everything with each other? Yes, it’s frightened to show your hand – it’s scared to open up to another person, saying about your desires and passions. And what, it’s better to hide the whole life? You should begin little by little saying about your desires openly – cause only in this way it’s possible properly to satisfy desires and move on. Why is mutual trust needed – if not to use it and not to develop?

What a lot of insults because of those fears and stupid diffidence – “Oh, you don’t totally hear me and don’t understand!” – so, maybe it’s necessary to sit and quietly explain everything, instead of waiting that a person who is not indebted to you actually, will understand cobweb of your paradoxical desires?

Learn saying about your desires directly and as easily as possible. Don’t beat about the bush – tell about your desire honestly and openly. Yes, it’s needed a drop of courage for that and readiness to give a close person a hand in response if the person will ask about that – but what’s a problem? Adult persons live in this way – they arrange. They don’t bicker and don’t count “cost” of every favor, but they are not too shy to ask and fulfill partner’s desires.

Relationship becomes easier because of that. Skill to ask and readiness to give each other a hand in fulfilling of desires make relations easy and carefree. Why to wait, when a suitor will deign to guess to give you flowers, if you can ask him that? He surely will gladly please you. Why to hope secretly that a girlfriend will guess about your erotic fantasy if it’s easy just to tell about it? And she will be glad that you see in her attractive woman.

There is a limit for everything – not every desire is pertinent and not every desire can be fulfilled, but we are adult persons, we can arrange. Master up courage and learn playing openly. That’s enough of this being shifty and manipulating. The easier you can tell about your desires the more chances, that you will implement them, and the most openly, joyful and prolonged your relationship will be. Dare!

Preserve your personal territory

One more mass and destructive delusion is that a man and a woman in relationship should do everything together, sleep in one bed, not to have secrets and absolutely belong to each other wholly and completely.

Yes, in the beginning, we don’t want to lose touch with each other at all. Friends, work, hobbies – everything is put aside, in order to just be together. It, maybe,  is romantically, but it’s dangerous to squeeze each other at once and dry. Making from relationship meaning of life, even if the relationship is with the most wonderful person, means losing reality.

Even the most wonderful relationship will bore the both partners sooner or later. Don’t live only for the sake of each other, cause life will become black-and-white. But an overwhelming majority doesn’t understand that and, on the contrary, strive to unite completely in unified whole.

From practical point of view, it may be seemed pertinent and right – shared finances, shared vacation, shared feeding, shared entertaining, mutual friends, and often, and shared work. It seems that such compatibility shows great love and trust to one another. But a year passes and romance vanishes, and the both begin understanding that life took a turn in a strange way and passes them by.

Even the best and multifaceted person will bore you, if will always bug you by his or her very presence. As good wine – if to drink it all in one go from a beer mug, value of its taste will disappear after the second drop. You should savor the expensive drink, drink slowly, listening to every drop – only in this case bouquet of sense will be revealed.

It’s the same with relationship – if not to limit yourself at all, it possible to drain each other over a couple of months. Whom it will be better from that for?

When a man and a woman have just met they are independent persons with own views, interests and friends – and they like each other being exactly such persons. Humans blossom when they are full of life and in agreement with themselves. But it’s impossible in too close relationship, and instead of complementing our familiar life with a presence of a beloved person, we give up on life at all.

At first, it’s not difficult to agree to such an exchange. But then, when emotions will calm down, and we’ll  want freedom, friends, former hobbies again, there will be possible no time for that all. And here many relationships experience powerful upheaval, as only two extremes are regarded as ways out – to give life to each other or to part.

But it’s possible to stay separate persons in relationship, and relationship only benefits from that. If to give up childish greed and a desire to own a person completely, if to overcome the fear, that a person who got freedom is able not to return to you, if not to make from relationship meaning of life, everything is going well.

Remark: some relationships exist only because partners cling onto each other for dear life and don’t let go of. In this case, if they weaken grip, relationship will be really ruined, cause, nothing tied it except strong embraces. Once, they met because of boredom, got used and clung to each other – that’s all. And although the relationship became familiar and convenient a long time ago – it’s not worth a brass farthing, it will be not a great loss if the relationship will be ruined. Exactly such relationships end by question on someone’s death-bed – “Why have I lived the life actually?”

It’s not necessary to spend every minute together at all. What’s more, it’s principle important to have personal time for solitude, for your friends and hobbies. And at least a half of your free time. Personal life should continue.

Especially, it’s important for a man, cause he is revealed in deeds and hobbies very much. But a woman too should be able to fill her time with something besides communication with a beloved man, in order to not to lose her value.

Then time, spending together will be much felt and much valued. It’s needed only to allow yourself to do your favorite deeds, and it’s needed to be together when you really want it. Therefore, it’s so important to preserve your psychological and everyday freedom.

I can say the same about a personal expanse. Yes, a small flat is a big trouble, but even in the small flat it’s possible to allocate a personal place, which will be a personal and inviolable territory. But how many couples live in large flats, not having a personal territory? A lot!

What’s more, in order to sleep every night together on the same bed – is the thing for the sake of which couples begin living together – it’s an utter evil for prolonged relationship. It’s very easy to make from a relationship depressing rut, when the both partners have bugged each other by their very presence so much, that there is no joy during meeting, and during parting there is hide feeling of relief. And if before the thought about sleeping together made them horny straight away, then in a year of joint nights, a naked body won’t cause erotic feeling any more.

The best case is when a person has an own room, where no one can enter without permission or even open the door without knocking. And it should be not just a room where it’s possible only to work, but completely autonomous room, where it’s possible to live separately. Actually, if circumstances allow, it’s allowed even to live in different flats and alternately go to see each other – relationship won’t become less serious because of that. If you’re living together that does not mean you are tied to each other.

Don’t be afraid of division of a territory and that a person can want to stay alone. It doesn’t mean that relationship dies down at all. Every person just needed solitude from time to time. And he or she needs it not once a month, but constantly. That’s normally and naturally, and for that a personal territory is needed.

The same concerns financial issues. Many couples put money in kitty and then decide what to spend it on. But, both a lack of a personal territory and a lack of personal cash rob people of feeling of freedom and independence. Therefore, every person needs to have an own purse and an opportunity to spend X amount of money without any records about where, when and why.

It’s believed often as normal when a woman doesn’t earn money at all or doesn’t earn enough, in order to provide for her life. It seems that there is no something frightening, if a man is ready to take care of her. However, on a psychological level, such a state of affairs gives rise to loads of problems.

A man in his heart of hearts feels himself a benefactor and considers that a woman is indebted to him something. In turn a woman, although can allow herself to live the life of Riley, lands in powerful dependence and is deprived of any inner freedom- now she’s tied to existing relationship and doesn’t have any opportunity to leave, if a situation will require it.

Until everything is alright in relationship, such a situation seems normal. But as soon as a relationship is stumped a woman turns in the trap, which she built herself. Even a man turns in a difficult situation – to throw a person out on the street is hard enough.

Therefore it would be preferable if both a man and a woman have own independent income, enough in order to split up in any moment and live independently. Not to mention that own income allows not to report and, from time to time, to give pleasant gifts to each other.

Personal room of another person should be respected and taken care as your own. Someone needs for total comfort more freedom someone else less freedom, it should be calculated on your own.

Stop clinging to each other and waling arm in arm with each other. Even if you are apples of your eyes, don’t forget that life is not only relationship, that soul needs loneliness sometimes, and that separate entertaining is not treachery towards a beloved person at all.

Learn to live separately, even if you are living together. It’s not necessary every time to have supper together. It’s not necessary to sit with your arms round each other in an embrace in front of television, it’s not necessary to receive guests together. Try at last to go on holiday on your own and then return and share impressions.

Only complete inner, financial and economic independence can make a relationship properly strong. Fight for independence, defend your freedom and respect freedom of another person. Don’t be afraid of losing, or else, you’ll lose.

Talk to each other

One more love making advice, which is as important and principle as an ability to keep distance – learn to talk to each other. I don’t mean chattering, gossiping, discussing work matters or watched movie, I mean talking about really important things – about yourself, your feelings, about a relationship and about what happens between you and your partner.

Neither men nor women can it. Even if the matter of relationship is arisen then everything quickly slides towards mutual accusations and sorting who’s right and who’s wrong. That is not what’s really needed.

Relationship is a difficult process. If to rely only on intuitive mutual understanding, it’s not possible to reach something. It’s necessary to utter everything aloud – why do you need the relationship, what you like in it, and what alarms, where you strive in your life, which you see your future.

You don’t need to turn inside out your soul, of course. But everything, what concerns a relationship with another person, should be told. Don’t harbor insults, don’t choke back irritation, don’t give up on your desires tacitly – tell about that everything. There is the only condition – remember, a beloved person is not an enemy, he or she is not indebted to you, and that you want to preserve him or her. And that means the only tool you have is request, compromises and agreements.

Therefore, when you’ll tell about something what offended you – don’t place the blame on another person – insult arises only by your efforts. Just say, that those words wounded you and explain why they wounded you, and ask not to point at the weak spot. Don’t demand, don’t camouflage your order as a request, just ask. And if your relationship hasn’t yet reached its limit a close person will understand you.

Insults, anxieties, fears, jealousy, wrath – that’s everything which people usually hide from, should be dragged out on a surface, and the faster, the better. At first, it’s difficult, cause mounted emotions will show in words and won’t give talk quietly, without insults and accusations. But you should go through it, and then to continue.

A man and a woman knowing how to talk seriously and honestly – are the best psychologists for each other. The whole this unintelligible psychology of relationships is not needed, if it’s possible to talk openly with a close person and to clarify happening. What do you want, what do I want, why do you live, why do I live, what do you wait from me, what do I wait from you – those are elementary questions, which will sweep aside a half of problems and usual squabbles.

Therefore, sit and talk. You can even specially set a couple of hours, when you’ll talk about your relationship openly and do try to react as a mature person, without insults, soberly and quietly. And if a hidden desire to hurt or manipulate don’t break into that conversation, then it will help you quickly to solve a great number of old problems – shared and personal.

All right you won’t dig up essence of happening between you, but you will want to form an understanding of everything and use force, and that will make your relationship more stable than ever.

Don’t turn such talks into an obligation, but don’t waste time, if your anxiety is rising. The earlier you’ll talk about your anxieties the better it will be for you both. Observe yourself and your partner – remember, that taking care of a close person concerns not only physical but an inner wellbeing too.

The main love making advice for men

No way, under no circumstances, don’t allow yourself looking for woman’s feeling sorry for you and comforting. Even if you are tired, or you have really big problems – it’s not a reason to fall in warm woman’s embrace and to immerse yourself in the ocean of woman’s tenderness. Don’t do it!

You should deal with your feeling independently. As soon as a man begins complaining about his hard life to a woman, as soon as he wants to get comforting, she feels herself incomprehensible. And if she doesn’t show him the door, that means she will live off him soon and will drive him with pleasure.

It’s possible to discuss duties, share feelings and ask woman’s advice, but don’t search for comforting, God forbid! Even if a woman, because of her naïve, will want to console you herself, don’t allow that – “Thanks for support, my dear, but I should solve my problems myself”.

Grit your teeth, but overcome once and for all the habit to see in a woman a mother, which will hear out, understand, console and set you on the right path. Perceiving a woman in such a way, you blockade in yourself development of masculine personality and return into a childish state, besides lead relationship in a dead end.

Do you know the essence of impotence? – Mother doesn’t get you horny. Male self-comforting and desire to find comfort in a beloved woman, remove from a relationship any erotica. The moment comes when a man doesn’t want his woman any more, and she has been thinking about a lover for a long time. And doctors won’t help here.

If you can’t stop feeling sorry for yourself – at least don’t hang your problems on a woman. Lick your wounds yourself, and return to a woman as a real man.

Learn to arrive at a decision on your own, and when it’s necessary help a woman to arrive at a decision. Don’t gaze in woman’s eyes in order to find an answer – have the audacity to arrive at decision yourself. Be responsible for everything. Take risks – let even not all decisions will be optimum. Only in this way a man may be free in relationship and allow a woman to be a woman, not a mother.

The main love making advice for women

When a woman behaves as a woman, a man has to behave as a man.

There is nothing to add. Every woman can be weak – as regards, in order to do nothing, not to be responsible for something, but to have an opportunity to fulfill all her desires. But for stable healthy relationship strength is needed. However, the power should be directed towards being a woman, not towards manipulation.

Woman’s strength is her weakness – it’s said in such way, and that’s close to truth..if to understand those words correctly. If a woman wants to preserve her relationship with a man, she should on time become less important and take up position of “weak”. But in order to do it, a woman needs a strength and readiness to put the lid on her own desires.

If a woman has learnt to make way for a man, she can be really happy. And the thing is not that there is surrender in her behavior. The thing is that it’s the only way to overcome her pride and solve all problems which given rise by the pride all at once. Without that a woman will never have a normal relationship and peace in soul.

Therefore, dear and wonderful women, learn to tell your man “Yes, dear”. That doesn’t belittle your virtue and value at all. All you need is to learn to resign yourself to man’s choice and stop jumping the gun.

If you won’t do that, if you’ll allow yourself to get the upper hand over a man – and you can it – you shoot yourself in the foot. Yes, a man should be strong and should be able to put a woman in her place, but such men don’t appear from nowhere, and usually, there is someone near such men. Behind every strong man a strong woman is, which was able to be for him weal, and thus forced him to be strong.

That’s the main wisdom of a woman – it’s necessary to raise your man. Show him that he is strong and teach him to use the strength. There are no weak men, there are only the persons who have forgotten about their masculine roots. And a woman is exactly the person who can arouse in a man the roots.

Therefore stop waiting from life freebie. You won’t have a mature man near you until you can’t be women – gentle, pliable, strong and wise. And then you’ll look back – of all things! –there is a man of your dreams near you.

p. s.

All those love making advice have a sense only in one case – if to follow them together. If only one of you will act by the rules, the second will use it for the benefit of his or her troubles and inferiority complexes, and everything will become even worse. Therefore, don’t try straight away to apply everything to yourself, if your relationship is already out of control. Improving destroyed, but existing, relationships is an absolutely different topic which has nothing to do with the article.